Adult Camp 09 - HEROES

I felt like going thru an 'emotional roller coaster' for the past 2 weeks; The passing of Grandma, followed by Adult Camp. Honestly, it's hard to feel excited & prepared for the camp... In addition, the need to stay up late almost every nite during the wake... OOH... That adds on to the tiredness...

Admist the tiredness, camp was good!!!... In my opinion, camp is only good if I am able to bring back something with me to work on... :) Since the theme of the camp is 'HEROES', there are many bible characters that were being taught to us... And I realised that there is one common trait in the life of these heroes: Their r/s with God. Every single one of them had a close, intimate r/s with God. They knew God as a multi-dimensional God, both as a loving Father, as well as a great coach. Their r/s with God sustained them thru various situations & difficult times.

One thing that I brought back with me is the aspect on my faith in God. 'Active Faith vs Passive Faith'!!!... The question I asked myself is, 'How am I living out my faith in God?'... Upon reflection, I realised that my faith in God is rather passive. I often find myself trapped in not standing up for my faith when situation calls for it. To me, NOT DOING the wrong thing is good enough, as compared to CHOOSING to do the right one. Again, I asked myself, 'What does others see in me?'... Do they see CHRIST in me, the quality of God's character, confidence in God, conviction in my faith? etc...

I was blew!!!... Living out an authentic Christian life is not easy, or should I say, it's Tough?... However, doesn't God wants us to learn what perseverance actually means? Having to go thru some struggles in life is not necessary a bad thing... :p At least thru them, we know that we still need Him daily to do life with us, and that in itself, produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us (Rom 5:3-5). Isn't He good?... :)

Lots to learn & grow...

Demise of Grandma (3rd June 09)

1st post in remembrance of my grandma...

Many have sms-ed and asked 'How are you'?... My standard ans to them will be... 'It was sudden, though prepared'... It's true, I guess one can never be totally prepared to accept the death of a loved one... But on the other hand, I am glad that grandma don't have to suffer any longer. She din put up with much struggles and pain prior to her passing, and she did pass away peacefully...

On Wed evening, I received an sms from Gerald, asking me to rush down to grandma's plc to visit her, and he told me that she was in quite a bad shape. I was actually on my way sending a kid (My colleague's case) home before going to CG. When I read the sms, I felt panicky... And it was during this time that this boy have to tell me that he left his wallet in my office... *faintz*... For a moment, I was SOOOoooo angry with him. We have already walked quite a distance from my office to the bus stop opposite Queenstown MRT Station. Without any choice, I walked him back, in a very fast pace... 'Passed' him to a colleague of mine (thank God that she can take over the sending back of the boy) before I cabbed to grandma's place.When I was JUST about to reach grandma's place, dad called. With a sad tone, he told me that grandma has passed on. I also heard crying & wailing sound at the background. After alighting from the cab, I ran up to the 5th floor and I saw grandma lying on the bed, not moving. I walked over, shaked her leg, and broke down... I was like 'SHIT, am I late'?... I stared at her, speechless... 2nd aunt and the maid was crying very badly. I was just 'stunned' for a good 10 - 15 mins. In my mind, I started to 'blame' myself for being late, I 'blamed' the boy, I 'blamed' the taxi driver etc... It was ard 7:41pm then, which was the time when I sms-ed san to inform her of grandma's passing.

While waiting for san to arrive, the doctor came and pronounced her dead. A few things were going on. 5th uncle was chanting away in the living room... Everyone was just 'waiting', some walking around... As for me, I remained in a 'daze' mood. Tears rolled down my eyes once in a while... Was asked to have my dinner though I had no appetite at all... But still, I 'obeyed'. I ate a little... I went to grandma's room to 'look' at her once in a while. Also sms-ed some frens & colleagues, informing them of the news. My 3rd auntie was also chanting in the room etc... Honestly, I din feel good. The chanting makes me real uncomfortable... I was sadden by the fact that it was an eternal separation from grandma... :(

Felt much better when san arrived. Together, we went to 'see' grandma for the last time in the room. We just stayed around in the living room and before we left, 2nd auntie told me that I wasn't 'late'. She told me that I arrived on the dot, and it was not long after I arrived that she breathe her last. Tears rolled down my eyes once again. I guessed she knew best cos she was of close proximity to grandma at that moment. Phew... I was just glad that I wasn't late after all.

All in all, after recollecting my emotions of losing a loved one, I thank God that the timing of grandma's passing was actually just right.

1) If grandma was to pass away next week, it will clash with the annual church camp.
2) If the boy didn't leave his wallet in the office, I would not have walk him back and cab down to grandma's place from there. If I am to send him back home, I will reach grandma's place even later. By then, I will really not been able to catch her for the last time.
3) The cab came almost immediately when I reached the gate of my office. No waiting at all...
4) Thank God I choose to run up the stairs than taking the lift. Else, I will probably 'miss' her passing by a few mins.

I also wanna take this time to thank God for the support from frens and colleagues. Grandma, will be missing you...